Self-Pity vs Self-Compassion

Self-Pity vs. Self-Compassion:

Do you ever feel sorry for yourself? You can fill in the blanks on what that looks like for you, but many of us struggle with self-pity. The problem with pitying oneself is that it never ends well. Those around us might begin to step back to allow us time to process, reinforcing the notion that we just might be losers after all. Others might misinterpret our sagging demeanor and take it personally, assuming we don't like them. Yet sometimes, it's just too tempting to indulge in a juicy bit of self-pity. After all, nobody knows the trouble you've seen. If they only knew, they would pity you too! But is that what our hearts truly need when life sucks? Do we really want people to look at us with pity?

I wonder how much our lack of early experience with genuine compassion hinders our ability to offer it to our adult selves. Imagine growing up in a home where children don't see kindness and compassion exhibited by their caregivers. When you were consistently told to "buck up" when bad things happened or criticized for not performing well, your heart was never trained in self-compassion. If you didn't hear words such as, "I know you tried so hard to make the team, and you must be very disappointed to not be picked. Please know that you are loved, and I am still very proud of you.", then your self-talk may not be very friendly during times of perceived failure.

Instead of slipping into woeful misery, how about experimenting with a little soul-searching? Begin by asking yourself what you need? How would you speak to a friend in the same situation? Would you be harsh and judgmental? Most likely not. If your friend flopped royally on a speech, would you tell her to never show her face in public again? Challenge your self-talk. Don't let it gallop on and on without pulling back on the reins. Create a powerful statement to help neutralize the sting of failure, loss, or rejection.

My best is good enough for now.

I focus on what I can control.

How I feel matters.

I am willing to try again.

I can face difficult things.

I am committed to loving myself through this.

I give pain my full and compassionate attention.

Self-pity may merely be a cheap counterfeit for what the heart truly needs when life doesn't make sense. Choosing self-compassion is a higher, more advanced spiritual discipline and requires a humble heart posture. We acknowledge our deficits and losses, along with our struggle to overcome them: yet we choose to extend to ourselves the same kindness that we would to our dearest friend. You carry so much love in your heart; be sure to give yourself some too, especially during those dark days.